I just finished episode one do you want my review TOO FUCKING BAD HERE IT COMES OPEN UP
Okay first off, this thing is animated like DOG SHIT, it’s worse than the pilot and there are obvious animation errors all over the place like goddamn they really must’ve spent the entire budget on the VAs someone was drinking on the job or something goddamn
Speaking of the VAs, every single one of them aside from Keith David and we’ll get to him is doing a really bad imitation of the pilot cast, this was to be expected since the pilot cast pretty much nailed their roles, but it’s jarring because they’re all worse than the amateur VAs. Vaggie’s VA isn’t even fucking trying
And while we’re on the subject of not even fucking trying, Keith David what are you even doing man this is sad is this the best performance they could get out of him what’s happening over there
Sound mixing is also off in various spots, but they also overuse sound effects which is weird? Like Charlie will move her eyebrows and there’s a wacky sound effect to go wJOHNNY TEST THAT’S WHAT IT REMINDED ME OF IT’S THE FUCKING WHIP CRACKS ALL OVER AGAIN
Okay back to the animation it’s almost always off model, features get smaller or more stretched Vaggie’s eye is constantly taking up 80% of her head this would be fine if people were doing shit like it works in OK KO because it’s a very action heavy show but 99% of it is just people standing around and talking so ???
None of the music outside of Adam’s song (It’s just a fucking budget Tenacious D song) is particularly memorable, I mean there were only two songs in the first episode but I mean even the background music is nothing which is weird because this shit is a musical
She wanted Adam to be Jack Black so goddamn bad it was making me laugh they just told the guy voicing him to do his best Jack Black impression
OKAY WITH THAT BULLSHIT OUT THE WAY THE EPISODE ITSELF
The plot is beyond rushed, the first two minutes are exposition about how Lucifer got cast down into Hell with Lilith (his wife and I feel like this is bullshit) because they both “Dreamed too big”, also god apparently does not exist in this setting (assuming this is another fakeout) and it’s just a council of angels which are run by Adam now despite him being a creation of the angels
The episode consists of Charlie trying (and failing) to convince Adam to allow her to do her stupid motel plan and Vaggie trying (and failing) to make a TV commercial. That’s it, that’s literally the season opener. Both of these plots amount to fuck all.
An angel got killed in Hell, so Adam and Lute decide they’re gonna kill a bunch of demons to find out who did it, that’s the overarching plot
Also the first episode picks up EXACTLY where the YT pilot left off, so if you did not see that for whatever reason, you will have zero fucking clue what’s even going on because no one is actually reintroduced, the only thing that’s reexplained is the whole “Every year angels go to hell to kill sinners to keep hell from getting crowded” thing
Angel’s very short screentime is just spent making sex jokes that weren’t funny eighty years ago when the pilot dropped and I know this bitch is going to get hit with the ukeification beam I fucking know it
The news reporters are back and Katie’s voiced by the dude who does the ugly, ugly, ugly demon man from Hell Boss and he’s just using that voice so they ruined her for no reason
Nifty’s still cute, it’s a small win but I’ll take it
Both of the songs suck, the first one goes on way too long. The second is a little too short and as previously stated, it’s just a Tenacious D song if they were both drunk or trying to play badly on purpose maybe some combo of those things
I got two genuine laughs out of this thing, Nifty not being able to say her line when the camera was on her and the entirety of Adam doing things (they had him eat ribs, it made me laugh)
Adam is written like you would expect Viv to write him, he’s just a misogynistic boor because that’s the only way she knows how to write dudes who are supposed to be dickheads, but the VA does a really good job with the garbage lines, so unsurprisingly he’s the best character in this thing. Shame about that fucking design
Lute doesn’t do a lot but I like that she’s military like but still does dumb shit like fist bump him when he demands it
Honestly, a show about the angels being dickheads might’ve been worth everyone’s time
It’s clear from the word go that the hotel premise is going to take a backseat to sad backstory wankery and Viv’s pet homos of the moment just sorta doing things, I’m giving it like four episodes before they just push it to background noise completely
Before I answer this I just want to say the Resetera threads about this movie are so fucking funny because they cannot stop seething over the fact that the movie is doing extremely well despite critics not liking it and Scott donating money to tardos
They can’t wrap their heads around people enjoying a thing that they’ve already said is problematic or bad quality wise and the cope has turned into “Well, kids love it and kids don’t know any better” like the FNAFandom isn’t filled with LGBT adults
It’s been making me laugh since it released because they were all so fucking sure it was gonna bomb and then Scott would be dragged to hell
If you were in charge of fnaf movie what would’ve you done?
Remove the aunt and her subplot, it’s fucking stupid and just slows the whole thing down
Keep the first game’s actual restaurant story, Freddy’s is not closed down, it’s just not doing so hot/on the verge of closing down
Make Mike the guard for the daytime AND the night, that way you get to see the bots act the way they’re supposed to before they start doing weird shit at night
Add in a second guard to do the exposition shit so he can get killed off later, not doing “Hello, hello!” is a misstep where the fuck was phone guy
Remove Vanessa, pointless, no reason for her to be there
Mike’s brother was abducted AT the restaurant instead of generic woods
Mike’s got survivors guilt because he and his brother were going to get beaned, but he didn’t go with him
Mike can still have Abby and the motivation for him protecting her is just because he’s got PTSD about his brother getting beaned
Mike takes the shit job because he gets fired and need the job but also because he remembers that hie brother got beaned there and hopes he can get info about it
You can still have the (teenage) goons breaking in and getting killed but it just happens early in the morning before the place is meant to open, one of them is Abby’s babysitter and that’s why he’s gotta take her to the place at night
Abby’s been drawing photos of and talking to Mike about a yellow rabbit and he dismisses it as her just being dumb kid, but it’s Slick Willy doing the Springtrap bit to try and kill her and Mike since Mike got away the first time
That also gives you more time to focus on the villain EXISTING since he literally shows up in the last 10 minutes as the movie exists now
Don’t just have him say The Line for no goddamn reason, either do it as a credits thing or don’t do it at all
What would you do for next movie?
FNAF 2, just do the prequel game so we can see him killing those kids, making the ghost bots, the puppet existing, etc etc
And you can also do THE BITE OF ‘87????? if you want which gives Mark a reason to do that cameo
How many installments till I get my chicken wife?
YOU’RE NOT GETTING GLAMROCK CHICA UNTIL YOU FINISH YOUR NORMAL FAT CHICA
Fujo, i accidentaly bit down on the inside of my mouth, which caused it to swell up and open a wound. The swollen wound made it easier for me to bite down on it again, which made it even worse, and now i bit down on it AGAIN (all of these while chewing food) can i get a Heli for my troubles?
